Letters from a Lonely God:
My relationship with “God, the creator, higher being, or whatever you call them, has been complicated. My mother was raised by religious Christian zealots, and they were incredibly strict and abusive. All this talk about myself has a point to it, I assure you. Throughout my childhood, I was inundated with Christian influence. My Grammie brought me to church every Sunday; my Pre-School was run by a practicing Christian. I became obsessed with dinosaurs and, by extension, evolution.
My interest in nature conflicted with the teachings of the Church. My relationship with divinity would only come on shakier ground when I reached the age of eight. I lost a large part of my innocence from when I was 8-10 years old. I was told by everyone around me that these things were sinful and that my sexuality (I’m Bisexual) would lead me down the dark path to the devil. I identified as an atheist for a while, opposing religion out of necessity and a defense of science. My aunt raised her children in lieu of the religious zealots who abused my mother. My cousins are all “believers” and would denounce me as a heretic and a sinner if they knew what I am. I have no doubt in my mind that they would. It would not be until fairly recently that I returned to “God,” for I have an unshakeable pull, a feeling of divinity out there. I tried Islam and felt it wasn’t right. Buddhism, Hinduism, nothing felt quite right.
I slinked back to Christianity and began attending church occasionally. Again, I saw the parameters of damnation would swallow me if I were to believe the bible and the pastor. Yet I still feel something, a divine presence unexplainable. Over time, I rejected Christianity and sought a relationship with divinity my own way. If a god truly is out there, they would not reject large portions of their creations and accept the worshiping minority. I began my prayer to my god alone, and I have finally reached religious peace. Organized religion is the best way to sever the different minorities from connection with a divine entity. Church is not for me. I have recently learned to accept that I am not an affront to divinity for who I am. I am willing to wager many have similar experiences of being told they were sinners by their own religious community. If you feel divinity, that intrinsic pull of being watched by a god, I suggest you connect with them in your own way.
And to those content with their religious status, don’t be pricks about how someone else worships. We are all humans searching for meaning, and it is morally wrong to attack another for how they live so long as they aren’t actively harming others. You do not need a God to define morality for you. It is up to you whether you choose to harm or to heal. This goes for atheists, too. Most atheists were harmed by religion in some way, and most are pretty bitter about it. Leave the ordinary Christian, Muslim, Jew, and all other religions alone. They are not the enemy out to push their beliefs on you. It is the truly dangerous, hateful religious zealots and die-hard atheists who will lead to further harm. So please, by all means, be kind, and if you wish, find where you fit into divinity, whether a life spent without or a life of worship.
