Hurting and Healing

When you are hurt, your first instinct is to either run away or battle against what hurt you, which is typically a form of revenge. This is known as fight or flight. In response to danger, your body will start to get clammy and cold, essentially because your blood gets redirected throughout your body, increasing your adrenaline, taking away your feeling of pain. This response is called Fight or Flight and typically lasts 20 minutes but can last up to 60.

     In opposition to this Fight or Flight method, I’ve noticed that people tend to mask themselves to keep from showing pain. Men tend to hide their emotions because they feel it will decrease their masculinity. Women usually hide their emotions because they don’t want to be called “too sensitive” by others. Psychology Today says that people often go through “denial, withdrawal, and self-isolation” in reaction to deep, emotional pain. Most people go through phases where they feel worthless, unappreciated, rejected, and unloved by others, yet they don’t want to express how they are really feeling.

     An article on Healthline reads, “People often hide emotions to protect their relationships. When someone you care about does something upsetting, you might choose to hide your annoyance. Yes, their actions bothered you. But if they react negatively when you tell them how you feel, you could end up triggering an even more painful conflict. So, instead, you choose to avoid conflict entirely.” The article goes on to say that hiding your emotions can trigger the conflict that you were trying to avoid instead of making it, so you don’t feel them anymore.

     Healthline also states, “One of the best ways to heal from hurts is to learn lessons from the situation and use those to focus on growth and forward momentum. If we get stuck in thinking about what “should have been,” we can become immobilized in painful feelings and memories.” When we live in the past, we become immune to any change that the future holds. We won’t be able to express our feelings or communicate clearly with others about how we truly feel.

     Masking your emotions and holding them in is going to get you nowhere. You will still feel the pain that you did before, possibly even worse. If you are feeling this way, here are a few tips:

1. Create a positive mindset

     Have a mindset that allows you to reframe your thoughts. If you create this positive mindset, you are going to start to see things differently. You aren’t going to be focused on the bad things in life, which is going to make you more optimistic and confident.

2. Forgive and move on

     I suggest having a heart-to-heart conversation with the person who caused you pain. I know it doesn’t really make sense, but being able to talk to that person about where it started to go wrong or about how you really feel, is one of the best ways to help you let go.

3. Focus on yourself

     Instead of focusing on what others are doing, focus on what makes you happy. Join a sport, club, or pick up a new hobby that didn’t interest you before, and keep your mind open.

4. Practice mindfulness/meditation

     One of the best ways to meditate is by journaling. Whether it be writing down your thoughts throughout the day, or at the end of the day before you go to bed, some form of journaling is one of the best things for your mental health. You can also just take a few minutes to sit or lay down and recollect your feelings from the day.

5. Go easy on yourself

     Everybody makes mistakes, so don’t be too hard on yourself when you do. When you feel like you aren’t doing something right, ask somebody to help you out or give you advice. When you put yourself down, your self-esteem and self-confidence plummet dramatically.

6. Allow yourself to feel negative emotions

     If you are mad, sad, or anxious, feel free to actually feel those emotions instead of bottling them up inside you. These negative emotions let you know that there is something tough happening that you need to work through. If you acknowledge, validate, and address these emotions directly, you will be able to figure out what it is that you need to work through, as well as the steps you need to take to do that.

7. Accept that you might not get an apology

Sometimes, we have to accept that we might not get the apology we deserve. There are usually two reasons for someone not apologizing: 1. The person doesn’t care enough, or 2. They feel that their apology won’t matter to you, considering how they already hurt you.

8. Self-care

     Self-care helps manage stress, lower your risk of illnesses, and increase your energy. Self-care includes exercising, eating healthy, reading, and hanging out with good friends.

9. Surround yourself with positive people

     When you are around positive influences, you are more likely to focus on your end goals. You will feel better about yourself, you’ll feel more energized, and you won’t be as stressed out over small things.

10. Communicate with others about your feelings

     Communicating about your feelings is validating them. When you validate your own feelings, it means that they mean something to you and you care about them. When you don’t communicate, nobody is going to know how you truly feel, so it’s better just to tell the truth about how you feel.